Country Music Explained By People Who’ve Never Heard It

This guy is one of the most successful musicians of the past couple years. He outsells Beyoncé.

Daniel: Shut up, no he doesn’t. He announces little league games.
Joanna: Why isn’t Kanye coming after him?

What’s his name?

Joanna: Billy Baseball Cap.
Daniel: Doug Something.
Loryn: Jimmy. No last name, like Cher.

His name is Luke Bryan.

Loryn: I’ve literally never heard of him.
Joanna: Me either.

Who are these guys?

Loryn: Are those rejected bachelors from The Bachelor?
Daniel: They’re the Russian version of Joey, Chandler and Ross.
Alana: Trip, Trent, and Trigger.
Joanna: They’re the cover band for whatever Uncle Jesse’s band was on Full House.
Alana: Vampire Threekend.
Daniel: These have to be Rascal Flatts, right?

You are correct!

Daniel: I knew because those guys are old but try to look normal.
Joanna: They do look like mail order husbands.
Loryn: They look like they could all host a game show on Nickelodeon in the ’90s.

Who is this fella?

Daniel: That’s my roommate.
Joanna: Is that Travis “Travvy” Travston?
Alana: The southern version of Bon Iver.
Loryn: Jim Galifianakis.

Here’s a hint: He’s friends with Dave Grohl.

Joanna: He’s Dave Grohl’s roommate.
Daniel: Everyone is friends with Dave Grohl. I am in, like, four documentaries about Dave Grohl.

He’s Zac Brown from the Zac Brown Band. Do you have any guess to what he’s famous for aside from country music?

Joanna: His Etsy shop where he makes and sells crochet beanies like the one in this photo.
Alana: He makes his own whiskey that got famous after it was on a show.

He’s actually famous for cooking barbecue.

Alana: No such thing. Famous for barbecue, ludicrous!

This couple is like the Beyoncé and Jay Z of country. Who are they?

Alana: Aaron James Kenny and Lila McGivern.
Joanna: Carl and Linda, from down the street.
Loryn: This is I know, Miranda Lambert and…….I forget the guy.
Daniel: The guy is on The Voice. I think his name is Toby Taylor.

That’s Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton. Let’s switch it up. Can you fill in the blank in the lyrics to this popular song by Blake Shelton?

Joanna: Emotions.
Alana: Deer.
Loryn: Their deepest fears.
Daniel: Leaning in at the workplace.
Joanna: Beers.
Daniel: That video game where you shoot deer.
Loryn: Gears!

Loryn is the closest. It’s “talkin’ ‘bout trucks.”

Who is this man?

Loryn: Someone from my high school.
Alana: Coke Bloat Hatfield. That face has COCAINE written all over it.
Daniel: Duff Meatsweats.
Joanna: Cody Buffalo.
Alana: I think Joanna is right.

His name is on his guitar. He’s Jason Aldean.

Alana: I thought that could be his biggest fan who is in the hospital.
Joanna: I thought maybe Jason was a brand of guitar. “I only play Jason guitars, they just sound better.”

I don’t think there’s any chance you’ll guess this guy’s name correctly, but let’s try anyway.

Alana: Hooligan Trevortown.
Joanna: Travis Peanut-Shells-Smith.
Loryn: Bradley Cooper.
Daniel: OK, this is kind of a long shot but is he also named Lenny Kravitz?
Joanna: I like his attitude. He gives off positive energy.

His hits include “Home” and “Drunk On A Plane.”

Daniel: Oh hell yeah, “Drunk On A Plane!”
Alana: We all been there.
Joanna: I like to listen to “Drunk On A Plane” before I fall asleep at night.

His name is Dierks Bentley.

Daniel: Counter argument: No, it isn’t.
Joanna: I refuse to believe his name is Dierks.
Loryn: Typo on the birth certificate.

Who are these people?

Daniel: Jenny Mommy and the Mommy Babies.
Joanna: The Woodshed Quartet.
Alana: The Meemaws and Peepaws.
Joanna: Easy Road Travis and the Easy Road Allstars.
Daniel: The Chippewa County Electric Jamboree & Traveling Medicine Hour.

Well, you guys were close — they’re called Little Big Town.

Daniel: I was SUPER close as far as I am concerned.

OK. Why is this man called “Bocephus”?

Daniel: Did he rescue Persephone from Hades?
Loryn: He fancies himself kind of like a dinosaur?
Alana: His name is Bo and if he sees anyone fussin’ in the crowd, he shames them with a guitar riff.
Joanna: Bocephus is some species of bacteria that killed his father. That’s his stage name now.

Do you know who he is? Hint: his dad is more famous than he is.

Joanna: He’s Pancake Jerry with his signature very soft looking jacket. He looks like he knows how to get funky.
Daniel: This is the football man. “Monday Night Football Let’s All Have A Time.”

Daniel is correct, that’s the football man. Hank Williams Jr.

Why do people care so much about the Grand Ole Opry?

Joanna: The acoustics are just amazing. And they sell cotton candy.
Alana: Dolly Parton had an orgasm there once.
Daniel: I think it’s a famous radio show from the O Brother Where Art Thou days.
Joanna: They let horses just run around in there.
Loryn: It’s in Frontier Land in Disney World.
Joanna: Madame Opry built it with her bare hands back a long time ago.

You are all right!

Can you tell me who these guys are, and what they’re all about?

Alana: That’s Travis and Bryann. (The second “n” is silent.) They are two dads that love to rock when the wives are away.
Joanna: I was gonna guess they were both named Travis. They look like they really love life.
Daniel: I’m going to say they’re called The Texas Twins.

Well, they do have the name of a state in their name. This is Florida Georgia Line.

Alana: The big news here for me is that Georgia borders Florida.
Daniel: Is one from Florida and the other from Georgia, like their gimmick?

That is correct!

Joanna: They had to cross state lines to meet?
Daniel: Probably pretty mindblowing for their audiences!

What do you think the name of their biggest hit is?

Joanna: “Beer Time With A Friend.”
Daniel: “Let’s All Drive (In A Truck).”
Loryn: “Hot Girl Boots.”
Alana: “Two Guys, One Girl, and A Car Wash Bathroom.”

Who is this happy gentleman?

Alana: HOOTIE! It’s really him! Darius Rutgers!
Daniel: That’s Darius Rucker a.k.a. Hootie but I didn’t know he played country music.
Joanna: He betrayed The Blowfish.

Who is this jacked dude? Taylor Swift once wrote a song about him.

Joanna: Mr. Joe “Tank Tops” McCoy. If he broke Taylor Swift’s heart I swear to God!
Alana: Is that Ernest? I thought he was in jail. That guy has def been to jail.
Daniel: I’m gonna say his name is Dirk Sawdust. He’s one of those guys who thinks he can pass for 25 and you really shouldn’t say anything.

His name is Tim McGraw. The song “Tim McGraw” is about him.

Alana: That guy married Faith Hill? This is an outrage.

One last question. What happened to Garth Brooks?

Joanna: He drove a pickup truck into space.
Alana: He was killed by Chris Gaines. Brutally murdered by his own invention, made sentient by the heart of rock n’ roll. “ROCK. BEATS. COUNTRY!,” he cried as the blade fell, making the rock paper scissors sign but with an air guitar.