Do Not Read: How to Be a Drug Dealer, What If You Are a Horse in Human Form
-♪♪ Do not read ♪♪ ♪♪ Do not read these books,
these books ♪♪ -Now, before we start,
I just want you all to know that every book that I’m about
to show you is 100% real. These are actual books.
You can find them on Amazon or check them out
at your local library. -Right.
-They are real. All right, let’s see what’s
on my “Do Not Read” list. The first one is a cookbook.
-Oh, good. -I love cookbooks, yeah. They’re
perfect for the holidays. -Love to snug up —
-This is “Microwave Cooking on a Diet.” [ Laughter ] I guess that’s the classic
loose taco meat, chocolate pudding diet.
-Aw! -Oh. [ Laughs ]
-I didn’t realize you could microwave pudding.
[ Laughter ] But no, they’ve got some things
in here. There’s like meat and potatoes
right there. Yeah, that’s good. Actually,
what is it? Tongue stew.
-[ Groans ]
-Oh! -Sweet and sour tongue. Well,
I see why it’s a diet book, ’cause you never want to
eat anything in this book. [ Laughter ]
You’ll lose weight. It makes sense.
[ Applause ] You’ll lose weight.
I can’t taste it. -The next one is a how-to book.
-Oh, I love how-to books. -Me, too. They’re the best.
This is always helpful. This is
“How To Be a Drug Dealer.” [ Laughter ] By 673126. [ Laughter ] And below, it says,
“Note: Author’s pen name.” I love this author.
-Yeah. 673 — yeah. -When I think
of literary greats… -Yeah.
-I think of Hemingway, I think Faulkner,
and, of course, 673126. [ Laughter and applause ]
Just a classic. “How To Be a Drug Dealer.” Next up is another
how-to book here. This is “The Complete Idiot’s
Guide to Teaching College.” [ Laughter ] -Oh, my goodness.
-Quick, I need a book. -It’s not
what you want to see on your professor’s bookshelf.
-No.
[ Laughter ] -If my professor had this
on his bookshelf, I’d drop out
and…become a drug dealer. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, 673 — [ Applause and whistles ]
Mr. 126? -“Idiot’s Guide
to Teaching College.” [ Laughter ]
Oh, man. -I gotta go teach real quick.
-This next book is great. This one is called “88 Reasons Why the Rapture
Will Be in 1988.” [ Laughter ] Spoiler alert!
-Yeah! -Yeah, yeah, “Er, my Gerd.”
-“Er, my Gerd.” [ Applause ] Oh, this is a great —
this is a romance novel. -Oh, I love romance.
-I love romance and I love novels.
I love both. -Together, this is great. It’s a
beautiful, beautiful story, probably. It is called
“How to Catch Crabs.” -Oh!
-It is apparently… [ Laughter ] It is about a fisherman
that falls in love. -Yeah. Sure.
-Yeah. Didn’t you — didn’t you didn’t you write a book,
“How to Catch Crabs”? -Yes, I did. It was about
my spring break in Cancún.
[ Laughter ]
-That’s right. Yeah, yeah. -How to catch crabs?
I snugged up with them. [ Laughter ]
-It’s a tale of — look at the back.
“A tale of crabs, cricket bats, and catching your heart’s desire
in Jazz Age Western Australia.” [ Laughter,
cheers, and applause ] That’s a very specific
niche audience. -Yeah. When I think
of Jazz Age… -You have to love crabs,
cricket, jazz. And you have to live
in Western Australia. Very relatable book. I like it. [ Applause ] But don’t read it. We’re down to our last one.
-Aw. -And I don’t even know what
category this falls in, but this is real. It is “What If You Are a Horse
In Human Form?” [ Laughter ] So it’s a guy who thinks
that he’s a horse trapped in a human body.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Hay. -He says — haaay. Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ] “Over the years, I have
communicated with and met “several horses in human form.
As far as I know, I’m the only one who has ever
revealed himself publicly.” [ Laughter ] “I hope that this book will
encourage others to come out of the stall.” [ Laughter ] -Stall.
-I’m just glad that he dared to use
his real name — Jason the Horse.
[ Applause ] That’s all I have
for this edition of my “Do Not Read” list.
[ Cheers and applause ] If you have a book that you
think should be on our next “Do Not Read” list,
I would love to see it. Send your titles to our blog
at…
ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇꜱᴛʀᴏʏ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ™ ꜱʏꜱᴛᴇᴍ – ᴄᴜʀᴇ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴀʟʟʏ $37.⁰⁰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇꜱᴛʀᴏʏ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ™ ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴘʟᴀɴ ̶$̶7̶4̶ $37.⁰⁰ ᴄʙᴛ ᴡᴏʀᴋʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏᴏʟꜱ ̶$̶6̶7̶ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ɢᴏᴀʟ ꜱᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴡᴏʀᴋꜱʜᴏᴘ ̶$̶2̶9̶ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ-ꜰʀᴇᴇ ᴍᴇᴅɪᴛᴇʀʀᴀɴᴇᴀɴ ᴅɪᴇᴛ ̶$̶3̶7̶ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ʟɪꜰᴇᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇꜱ ̶$̶1̶4̶7̶ ꜰʀᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ʜᴀꜱ ʙᴇᴇɴ ɪɴ ᴄᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ. ɪᴛ’ꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ꜰɪɢʜᴛ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ʟᴇᴛ’ꜱ ɢᴇᴛ ꜱᴛᴀʀᴛᴇᴅ ➫ “ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴅɪᴅɴ’ᴛ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ, ɪᴛ ꜱᴀᴠᴇᴅ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ.” “ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᶦᵒⁿ ʰᵃᵈ ˢᵘᶜʰ ᵃ ˢᵗʳᵃⁿᵍˡᵉʰᵒˡᵈ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ᵐʸ ᵐᶦⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶦ ʷᵃˢ ᵈʳᶦᵛᵉⁿ ᵗᵒ ᵃᵗᵗᵉᵐᵖᵗ ˢᵘᶦᶜᶦᵈᵉ ᶠᵒᵘʳ ᵗᶦᵐᵉˢ. ᵈᵉˢᵗʳᵒʸ ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᶦᵒⁿ ʰᵉˡᵖᵉᵈ ᵐᵉ ᵍᵉᵗ ᵇᵉʸᵒⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᶦᵒⁿ ˢʸᵐᵖᵗᵒᵐˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵉʳᵉ ʰᵒˡᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᵐᵉ ʰᵒˢᵗᵃᵍᵉ. ᵗᵒᵈᵃʸ, ᶦ’ᵐ ᵗᵉᵃᶜʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵒⁿˡᶦⁿᵉ ʸᵒᵍᵃ ᶜˡᵃˢˢᵉˢ, ᵇᵘᶦˡᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵍᵃʳᵈᵉⁿ ᶦⁿ ᵐʸ ᵇᵃᶜᵏʸᵃʳᵈ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵖᵉⁿᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᵗᶦᵐᵉ ᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᵃᵏᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵐʸ ᵈᵒᵍ, ᵉᵈᵈᶦᵉ. ʰᵃᵛᶦⁿᵍ ᵐʸ ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᶦᵒⁿ ˢʸᵐᵖᵗᵒᵐˢ ᵉᵛᵃᵖᵒʳᵃᵗᵉ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ᵃ ˡᶦᶠᵉᵗᶦᵐᵉ ᵒᶠ ˢᵗʳᵘᵍᵍˡᵉ ʰᵃˢ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ᵃᵐᵃᶻᶦⁿᵍ.” ᴇʟᴇɴ ʀ. ᴍɪᴄʜɪɢᴀɴ, ᴜꜱᴀ
